I was present for the 8/23/11 earthquake that struck the east coast from NC-PA-NY? (Don't quote me on that, because I'm not really smart, nor do I care enough to know specifics.)
I was present, but didn't feel a thing. My neighbors and just about everyone on my Facebook did. But nope. I did not.
Why?
Because of my life.
And unfortunately for me, but fortunately for you, you can laugh about the following confession...only because I just don't care to give a fuck about my under/undeveloped reputation anyway.
I had to go to court today to put a child molester away. Long story. Don't ask. He didn't touch Chicken or I guaranfuckingtee he wouldn't be breathing today.
Anyhow, I was just called to testify against him because of my badass Googling skillz, which are pretty much as close to awesome as the unicorn and liger species'.
I was supposed to work until said court appearance. I got off work an hour early and was feeling....a little "randy" (as they say wherever they use the word randy as a synonym for horny.) Last week was a rough Shark Marine Week (if you catch my drift.) So I go home and Chicken is at The Mom's/The Nana's/Angus' house (Angus, Btw, is what Chicken has taken to calling The Sister).
I looked at the clock. Time to spare?.....................Yes, please?
Alone time is precious around this bitch. So....I kind of decided to well...take care of some needs.
So blah blah blah, no details needed, you only wish you knew what I was into...blah blah blah....
All of the sudden, since my mother has the key to my apartment ONLY BECAUSE SHE IS THE ONLY ONE TO WATCH CHICKEN FOR FREE, comes barging in. Apparently to put Chicken to bed in her own crib because she is too lazy to take the pack'n'play in from her Brooklyn boyfriend's house to her....penthouse. (I will totally have to take pictures for you to understand this situation. It's worse than 7 college boys living in a 1 bedroom row home.)
The exact minute that I was caught getting down with myself on August 23rd, of 2011 the earthquake hit. And between embarrassment and awkwardness, we didn't feel a thing.
This shit just continues to write itself.
We didn't know about the earthquake until I shamefully sat here telling her to go anywhere but where I was, while I put my pants back on. To avoid talking about the situation after that, I checked Facebook from my iPhone in an effort to try and bring ANYTHING up that didn't relate to said previously-mentioned moment.
Go ahead and laugh. I just don't give a fuck.
Earthquake +1; M2 -3,000,000
